Can Purell be used as lube?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
