it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
