Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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