but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
