chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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