I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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