who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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