So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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