we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I've blown a few things in my day
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
