We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
