you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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