I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
