I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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