I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
