Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
