I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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