She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
