I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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