Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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