I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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