Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
