I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
