I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
