everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
