i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
