Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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