I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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