I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
