Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
