I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
