I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
