my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
