He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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