he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
