why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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