All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
