dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
