I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
