He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
