i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
