First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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