I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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