btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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