Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I want to be your penis for a week.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
