conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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