i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
