The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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