i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
