I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
