Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
