Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
whose parrot is this?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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