He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
