He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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