I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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