I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
